100% chemical free

Something has happened; homomoronicus has become the dominant human species on this planet. Homomoronicus will believe absolutely anything, especially if it’s an advertising message. It used to be that people said, “don’t believe everything you read in the news”, because people watched the news on TV and read newspapers a lot. People argued from authority over the news. Then it became, “don’t believe everything you see on TV”. The “authority” had become absolutely any old crap you can watch on the box. Homomoronicus however, believes any claim made in advertising is the holy oracle. Box tops have become after diner anecdotes; horoscopes have been replaced by pack flashes that begin “New Recipe”.

Case in point, I used to eat Beef Pasta Hamburger Helper, until it became a homomuronicus product. One day at the supermarket I found a new flash across my reverend box of food additives and bleached flour, “New, improved recipe! Now even creamier”. What was the change? Instead of using 1 cup of milk, you now use 2! I’m not lying, this is the new depth marketing departments have sunk just to put a big yellow star and another exclamation point on their boxes.

Back to Homomronicus, did you know there are now a variety of “100% chemical free!” products on the shelves, (note the “!” is compulsory), and people are buying them over regular products. The reason is that the adman has taught Homomoronicus that “chemicals” are bad. They poison us, they’re the additives that make our children serial killers, they cause every disease known and unknown, they kill wildlife and vegetation, worse still they kill our lawns! It’s much safer to buy a product that doesn’t have any chemicals in it, except…

MATTER IS MADE FROM CHEMICALS YOU FREAKING MORONS!!!

Unless a product is a sealed and contains a perfect vacuum, IT HAS CHEMICALS IN IT!!

Google Search “100% chemical free”: 17,100 and growing.

Next let’s talk about “100% organic”. Again, Homomoronicus understands that there are organic and non-organic, eerm, organic plants. Try going to the supermarket and asking for a 10% organic strawberry; how the frack to you measure that? Better yet, lets ask fr a non-organic cabbage. If you ask someone who eats “100% organic” vegetables, the issue breaks down into two points; it’s better to eat chemical free, or its better to eat “natural” products.

Google Search “100% organic”: 1.2 million hits of burning stupid.

Natural products then, what are they? Well, they’re products that only contain “natural” things, such as arsenic which is a base element and as natural as poisons’ get. But natural also means “chemical free”...

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Google Search “100% natural”: 4.1 million hits so kill me now.

Happy Thankturkey Day!

I hope you and yours are having a wizbang day. Like a true godless heathen, I'm off to the casino today. We couldn't decide what to do so we're off to blow all our ill gotten gains on the twinkly money eating machines. After a few cocktails, the highlight of our day will be the super deluxe buffet style turkey dinner and trying not to throw up.

God bless America!

Second sign of crazy?

It's to be expected that, as a new blog, I don't have any readers right now. That means in reality I'm talking to myself. Not only that but I'm talking to myself in public, internationally. Is blogging to yourself the second sign of madness?

Sunday the Non-day

I hate Sunday’s; they’re like the non-weekend-day. They’re a day off but only just, shallowly masquerading as the “day before work”, (or school). My hate of Sunday’s started when I was around 11. Saturday mornings on TV in the UK is all kid’s shows; it’s probably similar in the states. I’d get up at 7am and stuff myself stupid with multiple bowls of cereal while watching cartoons and inane kids shows, written by adults trying to be kids. Saturday mornings were the start of the weekend and boy, you knew it had at 7am! The parents would lie-in, no-one to annoy me, (except for my younger sister), then when it was all over around 12pm you’d run outside and act out all the shows you just saw with your friends for another 3 hours.

Did my life revolve around TV? You bet-cha! But Sunday was a day-of-death TV wise. In the UK, a lot of day goes to religious shows like “Songs of Praise”. Quite literally, they take TV cameras around different protestant churches and film people singing hymns for a couple of hours. What the hell is that? It’s not even a religious cartoon. Then in the afternoon they’d show a lot of political shows analyzing the past week’s news. So TV on Sunday was out, it was so depressing for an 11 year old. Some of my friends went to church on Sunday; not that it’s called “church” like it is in the states, most people say “services”, “we’re going to the service”. Was that something to do with plumbing or washing machines?

Then one Sunday when I was 12 my mum told me something astounding; my favorite uncle would probably die soon. I didn’t even know he was in the movies! At that age people used to talk about death and I’d say, “like in the movies”, “yes, that’s right son, like in the movies”. I’d think back to Saturday afternoon war movies or westerns where actors would die. Then of course, the next week I’d see the same people in different movies. So death you see was a pretend thing, just like when we played army in the school playground. “Rat, tat, tat, you’re dead!”. Then you’d act out an elaborate death complete with leg twitches and everything – “That was off that movie the guns of macaroni!”.But no, apparently death wasn’t like that it was real and final and people didn’t come back. Sunday became death day after that. For years, up into my late teens every Sunday I’d think about my uncle dying. No TV, death is real, everyone’s going to die, my uncle first, school the next day. Sunday was a horrible day. He didn’t die for years afterwards btw – my uncle I mean.

Fast-forward to today. It’s Sunday again and even though I’ve got over all of that childish stuff now, it’s still a depressing day. The funniest thing is thinking back to Friday. On Friday you’re happy because you get two days off, but then on Saturday night I feel my weekend is over. Tomorrow is Sunday, the non-day before I go back to work.

Feeling depressed now? Good, I hate you all. I’m off to eat cereal.