Hundreds I tell you!

Old to some, new to me, I've just found the Hundreds of Proofs of God’s Existence page on Godless geeks. Some of these are priceless:

14. ARGUMENT FROM INTELLIGENCE
(1) Look, there's really no point in me trying to explain the whole thing to you stupid atheists; it's too complicated for you to understand. God exists whether you like it or not.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

15. ARGUMENT FROM UNINTELLIGENCE
(1) Okay, I don't pretend to be as intelligent as you guys — you're obviously very well read. But I read the Bible, and nothing you say can convince me that God does not exist. I feel him in my heart, and you can feel him too, if you'll just ask him into your life. "For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son into the world, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish from the earth." John 3:16.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

17. ARGUMENT FROM INTIMIDATION
(1) See this bonfire?
(2) Therefore, God exists.

20. ARGUMENT FROM ABSURDITY
(1) Maranathra!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

21. ARGUMENT FROM ECONOMY
(1) God exists, you bastards!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

22. BOATWRIGHT'S ARGUMENT
(1) Ha ha ha.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

23. DORE'S ARGUMENT
(1) I forgot to take my meds.
(2) Therefore, I AM CHRIST!!
(3) Therefore, God exists.

24. ARGUMENT FROM GUITAR MASTERY
(1) Eric Clapton is God.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

26. ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPREHENSIBILITY
(1) Flabble glurk zoom boink blubba snurgleschnortz ping!
(2) No one has ever refuted (1).
(3) Therefore, God exists.

27. ARGUMENT FROM AMERICAN EVANGELISM
(1) Telling people that God exists makes me filthy rich.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

99. ARGUMENT FROM OFFENSE
(1) God exists.
(2) [Atheist makes counterarguments.]
(3) You know what? I am offended.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

104. ARGUMENT FROM FORMATTING
(1) Behold, foolish atheists, I present you with an incontrovertible proof of the existence of God.
(2) [Christian posts 10,000 word document without a single paragraph break.]
(3) [Atheist's eyes implode.]
(4) I see that nobody can refute (2).
(5) Therefore, God exists.

119. ARGUMENT FROM PIG'S TEETH
(1) Some scientists once thought a tooth was from an "ape-man."
(2) Later scientists discovered it was a pig's tooth.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

135. ARGUMENT FROM CHARITY
(1) Atheists don’t build hospitals.
(2) [Atheist points out Bill Gates and Ted Turner, who donate billions of dollars to charity.]
(3) Yes, but do they build hospitals?
(4) Therefore, God exists.

211. ARGUMENT FROM WOW
(1) When I look into the sky and see all the pretty stars, all those galaxies...
(2) Wow.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

223. ARGUMENT FROM ECSTASY (used by a number of saints)
(1) I woke up last night with a feeling of indescribable pleasure and joy.
(2) It couldn't have been sexual; I'm holy and never have thoughts like those.
(3) So the ecstasy must have come from God.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

252. ARGUMENT FROM CLEVER USE OF VOCABULARY
(1) Many atheists will not be convinced by an argument with "Therefore, God exists" as its conclusion.
(2) Consequently, God exists.

303. EXISTENTIAL ARGUMENT FROM EVIL / ARGUMENT FROM POWER / ARGUMENT FROM GUNS (I)
(1) I have a gun.
(2) [Atheist: "Ouch!!!"]
(3) Therefore, God exists.

The War on Thanksgiving

As I’m an English ex-pat, I have a different perspective on Thanksgiving than my friends here. I’ve always called it “Turkey Day”. I get the significance and the history, (though I doubt it ‘really’ happened as some people think), but basically for me it’s like a dry run for Christmas. It’s also of course “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” day, perhaps the greatest Thanksgiving movie of all time. That being said, what I didn’t know is that I’m waging a war on Thanksgiving.

I was all set to unleash my rage at the atheists attempts to take the Christ out of Christmas. I feel there are some people very deserving of my righteous indignation. However, a lot of great men with bigger audiences than myself like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly have been fighting that battle for a few years now. Instead I will focus on a new threat–The Atheists’ War on Thanksgiving

Is there anything we atheists won’t go to war over? I thought there were no atheists in fox-holes. I just love the reference to the king of screaming man-weasels, professional junkie Rush Limbaugh. Not so much a political commentator as a complete moron. Of course, Bill O’Reilly is also a great man. Every time I watch Bill I literally crap in my pants. It’s disgusting I know, but he’s such a comedy genius. Imagine if there really were people like Bill in the world, what a terrible country of bigots we’d be living in.

The problem is that children will not ask mom and dad what is turkey day? I mean turkey day is pretty obvious. However, if they see the holiday referred to as Thanksgiving, they may ask about that. This is all part of a movement to legalize gay marriage, narcotics, and public urination.

My word, I see it so clearly now. Calling Thanksgiving ‘turkey day’ really is legalizing gay marriage. I think he’s onto something with the public urination thing too. After eating babies in the morning I always urinate on my neighbors yard. Come on atheists, own up to your own public urination insanity; I know you all do it and want it legalized. Now we have a platform to push, ‘turkey day’!

PZ over at Pharyngula has a great Thanksgiving post this morning called Thankfulness. Apparently some loony at the Newnan Times-Herald has written:

Thanksgiving must be a terrible time for atheists. They have no God to thank.

They do not have the privilege of gathering with family and friends to express gratitude by saying: "Praise God from whom all blessings flow." An atheist on his deathbed faces serious uncertainties. Gazing upward, he pleads: "Oh God, if there is a God, please save my soul -- if I have one."

Jebus prayers just love telling atheists who they are and what they will or will not do. In contrast I’m constantly surprised by what theists say and do. If Christians are so sure about life-after-death why are they scared of dying? When a baby dies why do Christians grieve? If Christians are all off to a big god party in some eternal wet-dream with cream cakes, why is murder illegal? Surely a person dying should be a time of rejoicing, “Hooray, I’m leaving this crap-hole for heaven!”. But what do I know, apparently I’m just an atheist who will ask god to save my soul when I die.

BTW don't think I'm ripping on the American tradition of Thanksgiving; it's a nice thought and a worthwhile pause to contemplate good will towards your fellow man.

The Gentle Pastor

On my daily whimsy across the interweb of death, I occasionally come across examples of blazing, unbelievable Christian bigotry that literally take my breath away. This actually happens so often now that Obama has won the election I'm in danger of suffocating. Anyway, today I found a post on a The Landover Baptist Church site, (the official True Christian(tm) Church Web Forums - no I'm not kidding, True Christian(tm)). It involves an AP story from last year of a war veteran who wanted a 29' tall cross removed from the San Diego Korean war memorial where he lives. I'm not going to argue on whether he had a valid case or not, but after he filed in court he was bombarded with death threats from local caring Christians. The poor guy died of cancer at the end of last year before the case was settled. This post is from a pastor in my state of Iowa, (huzzah!), who describes himself as Pastor Ezekeil, Gentle Pastor of the Flock.

An atheist who waged a satanic 17-year legal battle to remove a giant cross from public land in San Diego won’t live to see the outcome. He is currently gulping sulfur in a lake of fire.

Philip Paulson died Wednesday of liver cancer, a gift from Jesus. He was 59.

I hope caring, loving jebus doesn't give me any presents this year. He continues:

Paulson was a Vietnam veteran who turned sissy and said he lost his faith during that bloody conflict. Using jew lawyers, he sued San Diego in 1989 over a 29-foot-cross on Mount Soledad.

Paulson said it violated the separation of church and state. He won the case but has paid the price with his aeternal soul. The case is still on appeal.

Cough*! Jew lawyers. Apparently, turning away from the faith, even when you're a war veteran, means you're a sissy. As I'm an atheist, I'll have to ask my wife if I'm gay now. Perhaps sissy means he took all his clothes off in some armpit sweat infested jungle one day and donned a french maid uniform. That'll teach those Christians! I'm perverse! I'm perverse! What else does our caring flock meister have to say?

Philip Paulson, dead at 59. Currently in hell taking it up the poop chute from every gook he sent there before turning on God.

Poop chute! That doesn't sound very pastoral, but I digress. Notice too how the Vietnamese are also in hell; god could never be on the side of the communists, (translation: is always on the side of the US). Can we expect any compassion from the other posters on this wonderful forum? Pastor Issac Peters replies:

In death, he can enjoy the special privilege of eternal torment in the lake of fire. Praise Jesus!

Praise jebus indeedy! Surely we can expect some love from Brother Love:

WELL

PRAISE

JESUS !!

This be the best news I heared in a while!!

Hooray! I heared it too, a man died of cancer! I'm almost speaking in tongues! I can feel the holy joy dribbling down my leg.

Seriously folks, you can't make this stuff up, but if you did it's OK apparently.

Atheists are to blame for the recession

Hot off the stupid press, Daniel Henninger tells us in a column for the The Wall Street Journal how atheists are to blame for the recession. Does this mean if I kill myself things will get better? I hope not.

And so it will come to pass once again that many people will spend four weeks biting on tongues lest they say "Merry Christmas" and perchance, give offense. Christmas, the holiday that dare not speak its name.

Do I celebrate Christmas? Sure, it’s presents and booze and puking behind Aunt Mary’s potted plant. I also wish people merry christmas as I go about eating babies in my merry militant atheist way. It’s two words, and the traditional meaning is presents and booze and puking behind… you get the point I’m sure.

This year we celebrate the desacralized "holidays" amid what is for many unprecedented economic ruin -- fortunes halved, jobs lost, homes foreclosed. People wonder, What happened? One man's theory: A nation whose people can't say "Merry Christmas" is a nation capable of ruining its own economy.

Even if Christians don’t say it? Now be prepared, it’s been fun and games up till now but don’t spit coffee out all over your monitor:

It has been my view that the steady secularizing and insistent effort at dereligioning America has been dangerous. That danger flashed red in the fall into subprime personal behavior by borrowers and bankers, who after all are just people. Northerners and atheists who vilify Southern evangelicals are throwing out nurturers of useful virtue with the bathwater of obnoxious political opinions.

The point for a healthy society of commerce and politics is not that religion saves, but that it keeps most of the players inside the chalk lines. We are erasing the chalk lines.

Feel free: Banish Merry Christmas. Get ready for Mad Max.

I like Mad-Max, I think that would be cool. I could eat babies, and drive around in a cool explosive laden futuristic punk vehicle, (not sure the leather chaps would do my figure justice though). So there we are, atheist bashing has reached the Wall Street Journal. What a cuboid of strange we live in.