100% chemical free

Something has happened; homomoronicus has become the dominant human species on this planet. Homomoronicus will believe absolutely anything, especially if it’s an advertising message. It used to be that people said, “don’t believe everything you read in the news”, because people watched the news on TV and read newspapers a lot. People argued from authority over the news. Then it became, “don’t believe everything you see on TV”. The “authority” had become absolutely any old crap you can watch on the box. Homomoronicus however, believes any claim made in advertising is the holy oracle. Box tops have become after diner anecdotes; horoscopes have been replaced by pack flashes that begin “New Recipe”.

Case in point, I used to eat Beef Pasta Hamburger Helper, until it became a homomuronicus product. One day at the supermarket I found a new flash across my reverend box of food additives and bleached flour, “New, improved recipe! Now even creamier”. What was the change? Instead of using 1 cup of milk, you now use 2! I’m not lying, this is the new depth marketing departments have sunk just to put a big yellow star and another exclamation point on their boxes.

Back to Homomronicus, did you know there are now a variety of “100% chemical free!” products on the shelves, (note the “!” is compulsory), and people are buying them over regular products. The reason is that the adman has taught Homomoronicus that “chemicals” are bad. They poison us, they’re the additives that make our children serial killers, they cause every disease known and unknown, they kill wildlife and vegetation, worse still they kill our lawns! It’s much safer to buy a product that doesn’t have any chemicals in it, except…

MATTER IS MADE FROM CHEMICALS YOU FREAKING MORONS!!!

Unless a product is a sealed and contains a perfect vacuum, IT HAS CHEMICALS IN IT!!

Google Search “100% chemical free”: 17,100 and growing.

Next let’s talk about “100% organic”. Again, Homomoronicus understands that there are organic and non-organic, eerm, organic plants. Try going to the supermarket and asking for a 10% organic strawberry; how the frack to you measure that? Better yet, lets ask fr a non-organic cabbage. If you ask someone who eats “100% organic” vegetables, the issue breaks down into two points; it’s better to eat chemical free, or its better to eat “natural” products.

Google Search “100% organic”: 1.2 million hits of burning stupid.

Natural products then, what are they? Well, they’re products that only contain “natural” things, such as arsenic which is a base element and as natural as poisons’ get. But natural also means “chemical free”...

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Google Search “100% natural”: 4.1 million hits so kill me now.