Friday, December 5, 2008

Friday's Robot

Oh fishy, fishy, where could that fishy beee! First to tell me where that quote came from wins a tin of Vienna sausages from me. This weeks entry is an underwater robot of no particular use at all. Usually I'm into technology that can actually be used for something, but this robot is so damned hypnotic.

They should now build a robotic shark and have it terrorize the fish, and then a killer whale to get the shark. Ultimately this will lead to the development of a 300 foot tall robotic pope with laser beam eyes to destroy our cities.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

100% chemical free

Something has happened; homomoronicus has become the dominant human species on this planet. Homomoronicus will believe absolutely anything, especially if it’s an advertising message. It used to be that people said, “don’t believe everything you read in the news”, because people watched the news on TV and read newspapers a lot. People argued from authority over the news. Then it became, “don’t believe everything you see on TV”. The “authority” had become absolutely any old crap you can watch on the box. Homomoronicus however, believes any claim made in advertising is the holy oracle. Box tops have become after diner anecdotes; horoscopes have been replaced by pack flashes that begin “New Recipe”.

Case in point, I used to eat Beef Pasta Hamburger Helper, until it became a homomuronicus product. One day at the supermarket I found a new flash across my reverend box of food additives and bleached flour, “New, improved recipe! Now even creamier”. What was the change? Instead of using 1 cup of milk, you now use 2! I’m not lying, this is the new depth marketing departments have sunk just to put a big yellow star and another exclamation point on their boxes.

Back to Homomronicus, did you know there are now a variety of “100% chemical free!” products on the shelves, (note the “!” is compulsory), and people are buying them over regular products. The reason is that the adman has taught Homomoronicus that “chemicals” are bad. They poison us, they’re the additives that make our children serial killers, they cause every disease known and unknown, they kill wildlife and vegetation, worse still they kill our lawns! It’s much safer to buy a product that doesn’t have any chemicals in it, except…


Unless a product is a sealed and contains a perfect vacuum, IT HAS CHEMICALS IN IT!!

Google Search “100% chemical free”: 17,100 and growing.

Next let’s talk about “100% organic”. Again, Homomoronicus understands that there are organic and non-organic, eerm, organic plants. Try going to the supermarket and asking for a 10% organic strawberry; how the frack to you measure that? Better yet, lets ask fr a non-organic cabbage. If you ask someone who eats “100% organic” vegetables, the issue breaks down into two points; it’s better to eat chemical free, or its better to eat “natural” products.

Google Search “100% organic”: 1.2 million hits of burning stupid.

Natural products then, what are they? Well, they’re products that only contain “natural” things, such as arsenic which is a base element and as natural as poisons’ get. But natural also means “chemical free”...


Google Search “100% natural”: 4.1 million hits so kill me now.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Hundreds I tell you!

Old to some, new to me, I've just found the Hundreds of Proofs of God’s Existence page on Godless geeks. Some of these are priceless:
(1) Look, there's really no point in me trying to explain the whole thing to you stupid atheists; it's too complicated for you to understand. God exists whether you like it or not.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Okay, I don't pretend to be as intelligent as you guys — you're obviously very well read. But I read the Bible, and nothing you say can convince me that God does not exist. I feel him in my heart, and you can feel him too, if you'll just ask him into your life. "For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son into the world, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish from the earth." John 3:16.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) See this bonfire?
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Maranathra!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) God exists, you bastards!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Ha ha ha.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) I forgot to take my meds.
(2) Therefore, I AM CHRIST!!
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Eric Clapton is God.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Flabble glurk zoom boink blubba snurgleschnortz ping!
(2) No one has ever refuted (1).
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Telling people that God exists makes me filthy rich.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

(1) God exists.
(2) [Atheist makes counterarguments.]
(3) You know what? I am offended.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Behold, foolish atheists, I present you with an incontrovertible proof of the existence of God.
(2) [Christian posts 10,000 word document without a single paragraph break.]
(3) [Atheist's eyes implode.]
(4) I see that nobody can refute (2).
(5) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Some scientists once thought a tooth was from an "ape-man."
(2) Later scientists discovered it was a pig's tooth.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Atheists don’t build hospitals.
(2) [Atheist points out Bill Gates and Ted Turner, who donate billions of dollars to charity.]
(3) Yes, but do they build hospitals?
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) When I look into the sky and see all the pretty stars, all those galaxies...
(2) Wow.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

223. ARGUMENT FROM ECSTASY (used by a number of saints)
(1) I woke up last night with a feeling of indescribable pleasure and joy.
(2) It couldn't have been sexual; I'm holy and never have thoughts like those.
(3) So the ecstasy must have come from God.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

(1) Many atheists will not be convinced by an argument with "Therefore, God exists" as its conclusion.
(2) Consequently, God exists.

(1) I have a gun.
(2) [Atheist: "Ouch!!!"]
(3) Therefore, God exists.

Hammering nails into children's heads

UK TV station Channel 4, aired a documentary on November 14 called Saving Africa’s Witch Children, (thanks to the Amazing Randi). The documentary details the torture and sometimes murder of children believed to be witches in Nigeria, Africa. Remember Palin’s blessing by Bishop Thomas Muthee? Although from Kenya, he too believed in witch-craft and apparently ‘saved’ Palin from their evil spells. This appears to be a problem in several African countries.

An editorial appears in the Nigerian Guardian that details the documentary and the problems in Nigeria at the moment:
The children are exposed to all forms of dehumanization. One had a nail driven into her skull. Another was given poison to drink. Many were set on fire. Innocent-looking young children including babies under the age of seven are stigmatized and driven away by their parents and relations. Other parents take their children to churches where a Pastor declares the child a witch or wizard, who is in need of deliverance.
What kind of perverse, inhuman nutters can possibly think that driving nails into a child’s skull is Ok. Why Christians of course!
It begins on an appropriately instructive note: "Say Amen, Amen, Say Amen, Amen." A Christian worship is in session. The substance of the documentary is how so-called religious leaders - Pastors, priests and self-styled Bishops engage in exorcism as they spread a scary gospel about the existence of evil and witchcraft in the Akwa Ibom community. This has led to mass delusion and hysteria in parts of the state with children, mostly being accused of witchcraft.
Not only does this lunacy go on, but priests actually charge parents to perform the exorcisms, (child torture). If the parents can’t pay, they imprison the child:
To cast out the evil spell of witchcraft Bishop Ulup-Aya charges N40, 000 per client and if a parent is unable to pay, he holds the child captive until the bill is settled.
I understand that in many African countries, extreme poverty and traditional superstitions encourage backward beliefs, but torturing children!? I can even believe there are a number of backward, mentally retarded cabbage shaggers out there that love hammering baby heads, but entire populations is mind-numbingly stupid.

In my mind this is a government failure. Any government that seriously serves its citizens should be educating them to eradicate this nonsense. Mind you, even in the most developed countries that sometimes doesn’t happen. Take Palin's blessing by a witch doctor before an entire congregation. No-one stopped and said, “hold-on, witches and spells, isn’t this crap from the middle ages”. That’s because once you convince yourself you have faith in a religion, it’s easier to believe in goofier things down the line. Witch-craft seems perfectly acceptable in Palin’s middle-class American church.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Pot Heads Rejoice

I'm late to this news, but screw you all. Apparently pot improves memory and stimulates the growth of new brain cells.
Scientists from Ohio State University report that marijuana, contrary to the conventional wisdom, may help ward off Alzheimer's and keep recall sharp. Their findings, released today at the Society for Neuroscience meeting in Washington D.C.: chemical components of marijuana reduce inflammation and stimulate the production of new brain cells, thereby enhancing memory.
I've been experimenting with the various forms of 'pot' I have lying around my house. I put our big spaghetti pot on my head and immediately felt rejuvenated. After 5 minutes through I got a sore point on my forehead and collapsed through reduced blood-flow. The colander was a completely different experience. Not only do the holes let in air but I'm sure they screen out those pesky government mind control signals that make us all secular. Within minutes I started singing hymns without the dirty words! The microwave turntable plate fell off my head; luckily it bounced off our new puppy Dexter, who suddenly appeared to be really tired and had a nice nap on the kitchen floor. I tried our trashcan too, but after I took it off all I could smell was old man's willy and peas for 30 minutes.

That's when my wife told me that pot in America actually means marijuana. So I skinned up the last of our purple haze x5 bud and started blogging. What the hell was I talking about again? Oh yeah, memory and brain cell growth. Shortly after my college years I should have had a brain the size of small bicycling monkey busting from my head. Perhaps my alcoholic content in those early years killed off my newly formed neurons.

Anyway, hooray for new research into the medicinal effects of marijuana. I just love how these discoveries piss off our right wing fascists for jebus friends, with their hysterical fear of anything drug related.

What's beer called in the US then? Box?

God Hates... Everything!

By now, everyone in the US has probably heard that god hates fags, (cigarettes in the UK). I’m not going to spend any time getting into this particular argument because it’s been done to death, and I hate you all. Instead I’ll point out that:

A. I have a big pimple on my bum right now and it really hurts. My body has probably been invaded by the devil who is currently living in my arse. How the hell else do you get arse-zits for jebus crispy sake.

B. You can read absolutely anything you want into any paragraph of the bible and proclaim god and baby jebus hates it, including arse-zits or indeed a lack of arse-zits.

We will call this the arse-zit hypothesis. Btw I would use the American vernacular of ass, but of course that means a zit on a donkey looking critter; that’s confusing for a deeply scarred, fragile British mind like my own. Applying this hypothesis to Google, (as you do), I wondered how the search term “god hates” fairs. Around 1.4 million hits of pure wonderment. Let’s examine some popular arse-zits.

God hates Goths
The greatest threat to today's society is the rise of the gothic subculture. Goth is a sinister and violent subculture obsessed with Satanism, Wicca, Vampirism, BDSM, rape, child abuse, Hitler, bondage, sick sexual perversions, serial killers, death, drugs, self mutilation and other sick practices to vile to mention. Goth's are the Devil's Children. In my opinion, Goths are more dangerous to children than pedophiles" - Rev. R.G. Green
That’s odd, I thought all of those things apply to evil Darwinists, (whatever they are). Moving on, God hates Shrimp apparently.

We’ve seen this a lot lately, most of these guys are fighting the good fight to treat people as people, plainly proving the arse-zit hypothesis that you can read any old crap in the bible.

Here’s a musical one God hates Homophobes. They have a nice youtube reference on this site:

I used to play the homophobe in the school band. I snapped my little ball off my stick though which didn’t go down too well with the other guys I was playing with.

God hates Barbers too:
For it is the Revealed Word of God, directly inserted into the minds of ancient scribes, that a righteous man shall not suffer the scissors and shavers of Satan to come near to his face. "You shall not cut the hair on the sides of your heads, neither shall you clip off the edge of your beard."
I hope this is another parody site, but with Christians who knows?

God hates Vaginas
God Hates Vaginas. He knows what a horrible, sinful, and unclean thing is concealed by women in their shameful desire to spoil the purity of virgin altar boys.
I’m scared of vaginas now. Once you see the film Teeth you’ll be scared too.

God hates Sweden:
In 1944, homosexuality was legalized in Sweden. Not only was that vile sin legalized in this God-forsaken country, Sweden embraces it so that it is considered to be one of the most “gay-friendly” countries in Europe and maybe even the world. If you didn’t think this country was filthy enough, don’t worry, they will never make you think that again. They hold a yearly fag pride parade known as the Stockholm Pride Parade...
Now really, this is going too far. I mean if they said god hates Belgium I could understand it. They don’t even have a belgiumese language, at least in Sweden they speak norlandish or something. Fancy them allowing people to have sex with other people.

God hates Amputees:
If you are an intelligent human being, and if you want to understand the true nature of God, you owe it to yourself to ask, "Why won't God heal amputees?" Start your exploration here.
This is actually a good question. I remember seeing a youtube video a few months ago asking the same question; if god answers prayers then why doesn’t he answer amputees prayers? Unfortunately I can’t find it because I’m really lazy, and once again, I hate you all anyway.

God hates brains:
Here at GHB Ministries, we understand that the primary message of the Holy Bible is really pretty clear: the pursuit and acquisition of knowledge is, literally, the most deadly of all sins.
I’m sorry, I’m not in right now, please leave a message over the cackling, incontinent laughter. They have a fantastic side-bar screed which begins:
In the interest of reaching as many people as possible with our message, GHB Ministries has joined marketing forces with Wasted, Inc. to expand it's line of merchandise.
Followed by: appears that Wasted, Inc. is owned and controled by atheist heathens...
Well, I’m off to sing in the shower with my zit. This afternoon we might play a round of Trivial Pursuit together.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday's Robot

This next freaky entry is from Cornell University. I suspect it's actually made from articulated Swiss cheese.

I think we should have a lot more robots made from cheese. I mean, if they go mad and decide to take over the world all we need to get rid of them is a box of crackers.

What's really amazing about this robot is that each segment is entirely independent. Each 'cube' appears to contain one joint and associated motor. I assume one of the biggest problems is to keep the thing powered through the connectors; you'll see they're also embedded in the floor. The trick is keep all pieces connected so they have power to move, connect and disconnect. Don't even get me started on the algorithm required to animate these cheese towers.