Saturday, November 29, 2008

Pot Heads Rejoice

I'm late to this news, but screw you all. Apparently pot improves memory and stimulates the growth of new brain cells.
Scientists from Ohio State University report that marijuana, contrary to the conventional wisdom, may help ward off Alzheimer's and keep recall sharp. Their findings, released today at the Society for Neuroscience meeting in Washington D.C.: chemical components of marijuana reduce inflammation and stimulate the production of new brain cells, thereby enhancing memory.
I've been experimenting with the various forms of 'pot' I have lying around my house. I put our big spaghetti pot on my head and immediately felt rejuvenated. After 5 minutes through I got a sore point on my forehead and collapsed through reduced blood-flow. The colander was a completely different experience. Not only do the holes let in air but I'm sure they screen out those pesky government mind control signals that make us all secular. Within minutes I started singing hymns without the dirty words! The microwave turntable plate fell off my head; luckily it bounced off our new puppy Dexter, who suddenly appeared to be really tired and had a nice nap on the kitchen floor. I tried our trashcan too, but after I took it off all I could smell was old man's willy and peas for 30 minutes.

That's when my wife told me that pot in America actually means marijuana. So I skinned up the last of our purple haze x5 bud and started blogging. What the hell was I talking about again? Oh yeah, memory and brain cell growth. Shortly after my college years I should have had a brain the size of small bicycling monkey busting from my head. Perhaps my alcoholic content in those early years killed off my newly formed neurons.

Anyway, hooray for new research into the medicinal effects of marijuana. I just love how these discoveries piss off our right wing fascists for jebus friends, with their hysterical fear of anything drug related.

What's beer called in the US then? Box?

God Hates... Everything!

By now, everyone in the US has probably heard that god hates fags, (cigarettes in the UK). I’m not going to spend any time getting into this particular argument because it’s been done to death, and I hate you all. Instead I’ll point out that:

A. I have a big pimple on my bum right now and it really hurts. My body has probably been invaded by the devil who is currently living in my arse. How the hell else do you get arse-zits for jebus crispy sake.

B. You can read absolutely anything you want into any paragraph of the bible and proclaim god and baby jebus hates it, including arse-zits or indeed a lack of arse-zits.

We will call this the arse-zit hypothesis. Btw I would use the American vernacular of ass, but of course that means a zit on a donkey looking critter; that’s confusing for a deeply scarred, fragile British mind like my own. Applying this hypothesis to Google, (as you do), I wondered how the search term “god hates” fairs. Around 1.4 million hits of pure wonderment. Let’s examine some popular arse-zits.

God hates Goths
The greatest threat to today's society is the rise of the gothic subculture. Goth is a sinister and violent subculture obsessed with Satanism, Wicca, Vampirism, BDSM, rape, child abuse, Hitler, bondage, sick sexual perversions, serial killers, death, drugs, self mutilation and other sick practices to vile to mention. Goth's are the Devil's Children. In my opinion, Goths are more dangerous to children than pedophiles" - Rev. R.G. Green
That’s odd, I thought all of those things apply to evil Darwinists, (whatever they are). Moving on, God hates Shrimp apparently.

We’ve seen this a lot lately, most of these guys are fighting the good fight to treat people as people, plainly proving the arse-zit hypothesis that you can read any old crap in the bible.

Here’s a musical one God hates Homophobes. They have a nice youtube reference on this site:

I used to play the homophobe in the school band. I snapped my little ball off my stick though which didn’t go down too well with the other guys I was playing with.

God hates Barbers too:
For it is the Revealed Word of God, directly inserted into the minds of ancient scribes, that a righteous man shall not suffer the scissors and shavers of Satan to come near to his face. "You shall not cut the hair on the sides of your heads, neither shall you clip off the edge of your beard."
I hope this is another parody site, but with Christians who knows?

God hates Vaginas
God Hates Vaginas. He knows what a horrible, sinful, and unclean thing is concealed by women in their shameful desire to spoil the purity of virgin altar boys.
I’m scared of vaginas now. Once you see the film Teeth you’ll be scared too.

God hates Sweden:
In 1944, homosexuality was legalized in Sweden. Not only was that vile sin legalized in this God-forsaken country, Sweden embraces it so that it is considered to be one of the most “gay-friendly” countries in Europe and maybe even the world. If you didn’t think this country was filthy enough, don’t worry, they will never make you think that again. They hold a yearly fag pride parade known as the Stockholm Pride Parade...
Now really, this is going too far. I mean if they said god hates Belgium I could understand it. They don’t even have a belgiumese language, at least in Sweden they speak norlandish or something. Fancy them allowing people to have sex with other people.

God hates Amputees:
If you are an intelligent human being, and if you want to understand the true nature of God, you owe it to yourself to ask, "Why won't God heal amputees?" Start your exploration here.
This is actually a good question. I remember seeing a youtube video a few months ago asking the same question; if god answers prayers then why doesn’t he answer amputees prayers? Unfortunately I can’t find it because I’m really lazy, and once again, I hate you all anyway.

God hates brains:
Here at GHB Ministries, we understand that the primary message of the Holy Bible is really pretty clear: the pursuit and acquisition of knowledge is, literally, the most deadly of all sins.
I’m sorry, I’m not in right now, please leave a message over the cackling, incontinent laughter. They have a fantastic side-bar screed which begins:
In the interest of reaching as many people as possible with our message, GHB Ministries has joined marketing forces with Wasted, Inc. to expand it's line of merchandise.
Followed by: appears that Wasted, Inc. is owned and controled by atheist heathens...
Well, I’m off to sing in the shower with my zit. This afternoon we might play a round of Trivial Pursuit together.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday's Robot

This next freaky entry is from Cornell University. I suspect it's actually made from articulated Swiss cheese.

I think we should have a lot more robots made from cheese. I mean, if they go mad and decide to take over the world all we need to get rid of them is a box of crackers.

What's really amazing about this robot is that each segment is entirely independent. Each 'cube' appears to contain one joint and associated motor. I assume one of the biggest problems is to keep the thing powered through the connectors; you'll see they're also embedded in the floor. The trick is keep all pieces connected so they have power to move, connect and disconnect. Don't even get me started on the algorithm required to animate these cheese towers.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thankturkey Day!

I hope you and yours are having a wizbang day. Like a true godless heathen, I'm off to the casino today. We couldn't decide what to do so we're off to blow all our ill gotten gains on the twinkly money eating machines. After a few cocktails, the highlight of our day will be the super deluxe buffet style turkey dinner and trying not to throw up.

God bless America!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The War on Thanksgiving

As I’m an English ex-pat, I have a different perspective on Thanksgiving than my friends here. I’ve always called it “Turkey Day”. I get the significance and the history, (though I doubt it ‘really’ happened as some people think), but basically for me it’s like a dry run for Christmas. It’s also of course “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” day, perhaps the greatest Thanksgiving movie of all time. That being said, what I didn’t know is that I’m waging a war on Thanksgiving.
I was all set to unleash my rage at the atheists attempts to take the Christ out of Christmas. I feel there are some people very deserving of my righteous indignation. However, a lot of great men with bigger audiences than myself like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly have been fighting that battle for a few years now. Instead I will focus on a new threat–The Atheists’ War on Thanksgiving
Is there anything we atheists won’t go to war over? I thought there were no atheists in fox-holes. I just love the reference to the king of screaming man-weasels, professional junkie Rush Limbaugh. Not so much a political commentator as a complete moron. Of course, Bill O’Reilly is also a great man. Every time I watch Bill I literally crap in my pants. It’s disgusting I know, but he’s such a comedy genius. Imagine if there really were people like Bill in the world, what a terrible country of bigots we’d be living in.
The problem is that children will not ask mom and dad what is turkey day? I mean turkey day is pretty obvious. However, if they see the holiday referred to as Thanksgiving, they may ask about that. This is all part of a movement to legalize gay marriage, narcotics, and public urination.
My word, I see it so clearly now. Calling Thanksgiving ‘turkey day’ really is legalizing gay marriage. I think he’s onto something with the public urination thing too. After eating babies in the morning I always urinate on my neighbors yard. Come on atheists, own up to your own public urination insanity; I know you all do it and want it legalized. Now we have a platform to push, ‘turkey day’!

PZ over at Pharyngula has a great Thanksgiving post this morning called Thankfulness. Apparently some loony at the Newnan Times-Herald has written:
Thanksgiving must be a terrible time for atheists. They have no God to thank.

They do not have the privilege of gathering with family and friends to express gratitude by saying: "Praise God from whom all blessings flow." An atheist on his deathbed faces serious uncertainties. Gazing upward, he pleads: "Oh God, if there is a God, please save my soul -- if I have one."
Jebus prayers just love telling atheists who they are and what they will or will not do. In contrast I’m constantly surprised by what theists say and do. If Christians are so sure about life-after-death why are they scared of dying? When a baby dies why do Christians grieve? If Christians are all off to a big god party in some eternal wet-dream with cream cakes, why is murder illegal? Surely a person dying should be a time of rejoicing, “Hooray, I’m leaving this crap-hole for heaven!”. But what do I know, apparently I’m just an atheist who will ask god to save my soul when I die.

BTW don't think I'm ripping on the American tradition of Thanksgiving; it's a nice thought and a worthwhile pause to contemplate good will towards your fellow man.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Second sign of crazy?

It's to be expected that, as a new blog, I don't have any readers right now. That means in reality I'm talking to myself. Not only that but I'm talking to myself in public, internationally. Is blogging to yourself the second sign of madness?

The Gentle Pastor

On my daily whimsy across the interweb of death, I occasionally come across examples of blazing, unbelievable Christian bigotry that literally take my breath away. This actually happens so often now that Obama has won the election I'm in danger of suffocating. Anyway, today I found a post on a The Landover Baptist Church site, (the official True Christian(tm) Church Web Forums - no I'm not kidding, True Christian(tm)). It involves an AP story from last year of a war veteran who wanted a 29' tall cross removed from the San Diego Korean war memorial where he lives. I'm not going to argue on whether he had a valid case or not, but after he filed in court he was bombarded with death threats from local caring Christians. The poor guy died of cancer at the end of last year before the case was settled. This post is from a pastor in my state of Iowa, (huzzah!), who describes himself as Pastor Ezekeil, Gentle Pastor of the Flock.
An atheist who waged a satanic 17-year legal battle to remove a giant cross from public land in San Diego won’t live to see the outcome. He is currently gulping sulfur in a lake of fire.

Philip Paulson died Wednesday of liver cancer, a gift from Jesus. He was 59.
I hope caring, loving jebus doesn't give me any presents this year. He continues:
Paulson was a Vietnam veteran who turned sissy and said he lost his faith during that bloody conflict. Using jew lawyers, he sued San Diego in 1989 over a 29-foot-cross on Mount Soledad.

Paulson said it violated the separation of church and state. He won the case but has paid the price with his aeternal soul. The case is still on appeal.
Cough*! Jew lawyers. Apparently, turning away from the faith, even when you're a war veteran, means you're a sissy. As I'm an atheist, I'll have to ask my wife if I'm gay now. Perhaps sissy means he took all his clothes off in some armpit sweat infested jungle one day and donned a french maid uniform. That'll teach those Christians! I'm perverse! I'm perverse! What else does our caring flock meister have to say?
Philip Paulson, dead at 59. Currently in hell taking it up the poop chute from every gook he sent there before turning on God.
Poop chute! That doesn't sound very pastoral, but I digress. Notice too how the Vietnamese are also in hell; god could never be on the side of the communists, (translation: is always on the side of the US). Can we expect any compassion from the other posters on this wonderful forum? Pastor Issac Peters replies:
In death, he can enjoy the special privilege of eternal torment in the lake of fire. Praise Jesus!
Praise jebus indeedy! Surely we can expect some love from Brother Love:



This be the best news I heared in a while!!
Hooray! I heared it too, a man died of cancer! I'm almost speaking in tongues! I can feel the holy joy dribbling down my leg.

Seriously folks, you can't make this stuff up, but if you did it's OK apparently.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Sunday the Non-day

I hate Sunday’s; they’re like the non-weekend-day. They’re a day off but only just, shallowly masquerading as the “day before work”, (or school). My hate of Sunday’s started when I was around 11. Saturday mornings on TV in the UK is all kid’s shows; it’s probably similar in the states. I’d get up at 7am and stuff myself stupid with multiple bowls of cereal while watching cartoons and inane kids shows, written by adults trying to be kids. Saturday mornings were the start of the weekend and boy, you knew it had at 7am! The parents would lie-in, no-one to annoy me, (except for my younger sister), then when it was all over around 12pm you’d run outside and act out all the shows you just saw with your friends for another 3 hours.

Did my life revolve around TV? You bet-cha! But Sunday was a day-of-death TV wise. In the UK, a lot of day goes to religious shows like “Songs of Praise”. Quite literally, they take TV cameras around different protestant churches and film people singing hymns for a couple of hours. What the hell is that? It’s not even a religious cartoon. Then in the afternoon they’d show a lot of political shows analyzing the past week’s news. So TV on Sunday was out, it was so depressing for an 11 year old. Some of my friends went to church on Sunday; not that it’s called “church” like it is in the states, most people say “services”, “we’re going to the service”. Was that something to do with plumbing or washing machines?

Then one Sunday when I was 12 my mum told me something astounding; my favorite uncle would probably die soon. I didn’t even know he was in the movies! At that age people used to talk about death and I’d say, “like in the movies”, “yes, that’s right son, like in the movies”. I’d think back to Saturday afternoon war movies or westerns where actors would die. Then of course, the next week I’d see the same people in different movies. So death you see was a pretend thing, just like when we played army in the school playground. “Rat, tat, tat, you’re dead!”. Then you’d act out an elaborate death complete with leg twitches and everything – “That was off that movie the guns of macaroni!”.But no, apparently death wasn’t like that it was real and final and people didn’t come back. Sunday became death day after that. For years, up into my late teens every Sunday I’d think about my uncle dying. No TV, death is real, everyone’s going to die, my uncle first, school the next day. Sunday was a horrible day. He didn’t die for years afterwards btw – my uncle I mean.

Fast-forward to today. It’s Sunday again and even though I’ve got over all of that childish stuff now, it’s still a depressing day. The funniest thing is thinking back to Friday. On Friday you’re happy because you get two days off, but then on Saturday night I feel my weekend is over. Tomorrow is Sunday, the non-day before I go back to work.

Feeling depressed now? Good, I hate you all. I’m off to eat cereal.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Friday's Robot

Here's a video of perhaps the coolest robot I've seen in a long time. Imperial Walkers anyone? Check out the part where the robot is walking on ice and the guy kicks it. Really smart programming.

Atheists are to blame for the recession

Hot off the stupid press, Daniel Henninger tells us in a column for the The Wall Street Journal how atheists are to blame for the recession. Does this mean if I kill myself things will get better? I hope not.
And so it will come to pass once again that many people will spend four weeks biting on tongues lest they say "Merry Christmas" and perchance, give offense. Christmas, the holiday that dare not speak its name.
Do I celebrate Christmas? Sure, it’s presents and booze and puking behind Aunt Mary’s potted plant. I also wish people merry christmas as I go about eating babies in my merry militant atheist way. It’s two words, and the traditional meaning is presents and booze and puking behind… you get the point I’m sure.
This year we celebrate the desacralized "holidays" amid what is for many unprecedented economic ruin -- fortunes halved, jobs lost, homes foreclosed. People wonder, What happened? One man's theory: A nation whose people can't say "Merry Christmas" is a nation capable of ruining its own economy.
Even if Christians don’t say it? Now be prepared, it’s been fun and games up till now but don’t spit coffee out all over your monitor:
It has been my view that the steady secularizing and insistent effort at dereligioning America has been dangerous. That danger flashed red in the fall into subprime personal behavior by borrowers and bankers, who after all are just people. Northerners and atheists who vilify Southern evangelicals are throwing out nurturers of useful virtue with the bathwater of obnoxious political opinions.

The point for a healthy society of commerce and politics is not that religion saves, but that it keeps most of the players inside the chalk lines. We are erasing the chalk lines.

Feel free: Banish Merry Christmas. Get ready for Mad Max.
I like Mad-Max, I think that would be cool. I could eat babies, and drive around in a cool explosive laden futuristic punk vehicle, (not sure the leather chaps would do my figure justice though). So there we are, atheist bashing has reached the Wall Street Journal. What a cuboid of strange we live in.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Blogs, what are they good for?

This is my first blog, (hurray!). Actually, I used to think blogging was a certain type of bowel movement so for years I thought I was an active blogger. What an eye-opener this web-of-net has been. I’m actually a lazy person when it comes to things like this; I’m more of an avid cheese eater kind of a guy, (which might explain the bowel movement thing). That might make me the worst blogger of all time with updates twice a year, but ho-hum, there’s always cheese.

I thought I’d start by completely copping out and writing something with no original content at all. If only I could couple this with a way to make my readers immediately leave my blog for other sites of webness. So here it is, my favorite blogs and sites on the net-of-death.

First of course PZ Myers at Pharyngula. PZ, I mean this with all the professional courtesy I can muster, I want to dry hump your leg for many hours. An excellent blog of wit, delicious godlessness and Cephalopods too! I'm also a fan of another science-blogs writer Ed Brayton and his Dispatches from the Culture Wars blog. Ed by the way, is one of the co-founders of The Pandas Thumb, an excellent anti-creationism site.

While on the subject of creationism, a site called Talk Origins is a good resource for rebutting the burning stupid of creationists. It contains a massive index of every intelligence sucking claim by religious shrews regarding evolution. Talk origins is based in part from the newsgroup Talk.Origins; a great place for biblical laughter if you're bored.

If you are bored, (and you've already seen the posts for the day on Failblog), the Skeptic's Dictionary is a great read, an A-Z index of stupid! The reader comments especially are fun.

Other blogs of interest include Respectful Insolence, Bad Astronomy, Skepchick, The J-Ref Foundation, The Friendly Atheist, and of course The Worldnut Daily.

Ahh, the Worldnut Daily, sometimes called the Wingnut Daily, often fondly referred to as the laugh-bag of cow innards. Posing as a news publication, this site is manned by twisted man-shrews in some form of failed stupid recovery program. It really is comedy at its finest and probably deserves a post of its own.