Saturday, November 29, 2008

God Hates... Everything!

By now, everyone in the US has probably heard that god hates fags, (cigarettes in the UK). I’m not going to spend any time getting into this particular argument because it’s been done to death, and I hate you all. Instead I’ll point out that:

A. I have a big pimple on my bum right now and it really hurts. My body has probably been invaded by the devil who is currently living in my arse. How the hell else do you get arse-zits for jebus crispy sake.

B. You can read absolutely anything you want into any paragraph of the bible and proclaim god and baby jebus hates it, including arse-zits or indeed a lack of arse-zits.

We will call this the arse-zit hypothesis. Btw I would use the American vernacular of ass, but of course that means a zit on a donkey looking critter; that’s confusing for a deeply scarred, fragile British mind like my own. Applying this hypothesis to Google, (as you do), I wondered how the search term “god hates” fairs. Around 1.4 million hits of pure wonderment. Let’s examine some popular arse-zits.

God hates Goths
The greatest threat to today's society is the rise of the gothic subculture. Goth is a sinister and violent subculture obsessed with Satanism, Wicca, Vampirism, BDSM, rape, child abuse, Hitler, bondage, sick sexual perversions, serial killers, death, drugs, self mutilation and other sick practices to vile to mention. Goth's are the Devil's Children. In my opinion, Goths are more dangerous to children than pedophiles" - Rev. R.G. Green
That’s odd, I thought all of those things apply to evil Darwinists, (whatever they are). Moving on, God hates Shrimp apparently.

We’ve seen this a lot lately, most of these guys are fighting the good fight to treat people as people, plainly proving the arse-zit hypothesis that you can read any old crap in the bible.

Here’s a musical one God hates Homophobes. They have a nice youtube reference on this site:

I used to play the homophobe in the school band. I snapped my little ball off my stick though which didn’t go down too well with the other guys I was playing with.

God hates Barbers too:
For it is the Revealed Word of God, directly inserted into the minds of ancient scribes, that a righteous man shall not suffer the scissors and shavers of Satan to come near to his face. "You shall not cut the hair on the sides of your heads, neither shall you clip off the edge of your beard."
I hope this is another parody site, but with Christians who knows?

God hates Vaginas
God Hates Vaginas. He knows what a horrible, sinful, and unclean thing is concealed by women in their shameful desire to spoil the purity of virgin altar boys.
I’m scared of vaginas now. Once you see the film Teeth you’ll be scared too.

God hates Sweden:
In 1944, homosexuality was legalized in Sweden. Not only was that vile sin legalized in this God-forsaken country, Sweden embraces it so that it is considered to be one of the most “gay-friendly” countries in Europe and maybe even the world. If you didn’t think this country was filthy enough, don’t worry, they will never make you think that again. They hold a yearly fag pride parade known as the Stockholm Pride Parade...
Now really, this is going too far. I mean if they said god hates Belgium I could understand it. They don’t even have a belgiumese language, at least in Sweden they speak norlandish or something. Fancy them allowing people to have sex with other people.

God hates Amputees:
If you are an intelligent human being, and if you want to understand the true nature of God, you owe it to yourself to ask, "Why won't God heal amputees?" Start your exploration here.
This is actually a good question. I remember seeing a youtube video a few months ago asking the same question; if god answers prayers then why doesn’t he answer amputees prayers? Unfortunately I can’t find it because I’m really lazy, and once again, I hate you all anyway.

God hates brains:
Here at GHB Ministries, we understand that the primary message of the Holy Bible is really pretty clear: the pursuit and acquisition of knowledge is, literally, the most deadly of all sins.
I’m sorry, I’m not in right now, please leave a message over the cackling, incontinent laughter. They have a fantastic side-bar screed which begins:
In the interest of reaching as many people as possible with our message, GHB Ministries has joined marketing forces with Wasted, Inc. to expand it's line of merchandise.
Followed by: appears that Wasted, Inc. is owned and controled by atheist heathens...
Well, I’m off to sing in the shower with my zit. This afternoon we might play a round of Trivial Pursuit together.

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