Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The War on Thanksgiving

As I’m an English ex-pat, I have a different perspective on Thanksgiving than my friends here. I’ve always called it “Turkey Day”. I get the significance and the history, (though I doubt it ‘really’ happened as some people think), but basically for me it’s like a dry run for Christmas. It’s also of course “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” day, perhaps the greatest Thanksgiving movie of all time. That being said, what I didn’t know is that I’m waging a war on Thanksgiving.
I was all set to unleash my rage at the atheists attempts to take the Christ out of Christmas. I feel there are some people very deserving of my righteous indignation. However, a lot of great men with bigger audiences than myself like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly have been fighting that battle for a few years now. Instead I will focus on a new threat–The Atheists’ War on Thanksgiving
Is there anything we atheists won’t go to war over? I thought there were no atheists in fox-holes. I just love the reference to the king of screaming man-weasels, professional junkie Rush Limbaugh. Not so much a political commentator as a complete moron. Of course, Bill O’Reilly is also a great man. Every time I watch Bill I literally crap in my pants. It’s disgusting I know, but he’s such a comedy genius. Imagine if there really were people like Bill in the world, what a terrible country of bigots we’d be living in.
The problem is that children will not ask mom and dad what is turkey day? I mean turkey day is pretty obvious. However, if they see the holiday referred to as Thanksgiving, they may ask about that. This is all part of a movement to legalize gay marriage, narcotics, and public urination.
My word, I see it so clearly now. Calling Thanksgiving ‘turkey day’ really is legalizing gay marriage. I think he’s onto something with the public urination thing too. After eating babies in the morning I always urinate on my neighbors yard. Come on atheists, own up to your own public urination insanity; I know you all do it and want it legalized. Now we have a platform to push, ‘turkey day’!

PZ over at Pharyngula has a great Thanksgiving post this morning called Thankfulness. Apparently some loony at the Newnan Times-Herald has written:
Thanksgiving must be a terrible time for atheists. They have no God to thank.

They do not have the privilege of gathering with family and friends to express gratitude by saying: "Praise God from whom all blessings flow." An atheist on his deathbed faces serious uncertainties. Gazing upward, he pleads: "Oh God, if there is a God, please save my soul -- if I have one."
Jebus prayers just love telling atheists who they are and what they will or will not do. In contrast I’m constantly surprised by what theists say and do. If Christians are so sure about life-after-death why are they scared of dying? When a baby dies why do Christians grieve? If Christians are all off to a big god party in some eternal wet-dream with cream cakes, why is murder illegal? Surely a person dying should be a time of rejoicing, “Hooray, I’m leaving this crap-hole for heaven!”. But what do I know, apparently I’m just an atheist who will ask god to save my soul when I die.

BTW don't think I'm ripping on the American tradition of Thanksgiving; it's a nice thought and a worthwhile pause to contemplate good will towards your fellow man.


Rick said...

Welcome to Turkey Day, bloke. Before long, we'll be at war on everything--apple pie, the flag, puppies, green grass. God created all those things, so we should be offended!

Until we launch the next battle (DOWN WITH CRANBERRY JELLY!), enjoy the turkey and all that you are thankful for.

Strange said...

I like jelly. It makes a mess on the bedsheets, and feels freaky on my belly... I mean, it goes great with turkey.

I'm pretty offended that god created Ann Coulter, can't we have a war on that?